Highlands County S.A.L.T Council 424 Fernleaf Ave. Sebring, Florida 33870 Tel: 863-402-7248

Difficult Days In The Golden Years
Compiled by Charleen "Charlie" Stroup, LMHC, LPN, CAP

As seniors we look forward to enjoying our life after we retire. We feel like we are now going to reap the rewards of our many years of hard work. However we never know when life is going to throw us a curve ball and we are going to need to change our plans. At some point we have to learn how to deal with grief. It can be done, but like everything else, we have to work at it.

One Gentleman told me this: "My wife and I had a lot of great plans for our retirement, but she died six months ago. That's when my life changed. I traded walks on the beach for my bed. I just couldn't get started in the mornings. I slept, ate, did a little business, a little church, but a lot of bed. It was so hard to get up out of bed and get going!"

A bereaved mom states she was facing her senior years reflecting on how lucky she had been not to have experienced any major catastrophes. Within a few months two of her three adult sons were killed in freak car accidents, and a short time later a full-blown tornado totally destroyed her home.

This mom states, "Disasters are life changing experiences for most people. Most community disasters, such as a hurricane, tornado or earthquake, devastate an entire community. In contrast, the devastation from individual disasters, such as an accident, disease or debilitating illness, are primarily limited to the immediate family."

This lady goes on to say, "A community disaster affects a large number of people, whereas an individual death is primarily felt only by loved ones. When the impact of a loss is felt by a limited number of people, it becomes more difficult or uncomfortable for grievers to tell their stories of loss, grief, and pain."

Older adults are affected differently by grief when it becomes complicated by the number of deaths one experiences within a short period of time, or by the loss of a loved one coupled with the loss of physical damage from a hurricane or tornado, or when the older adult is already weakened, either physically, emotionally or spiritually, and is less able to rely on previous coping skills to help them deal with the current loss or losses.

Older adults often feel acute loss when a pet dies, especially one that has been "a part of the family" for several years. For someone else it may be "just a dog" or "it's only a cat", but to the individual who has spent most of the hours at home with only this pet for companionship, unconditional love and devotion, this is not the loss of "just a pet" - it represents a major loss that is evidenced by deep grief and bereavement.

When a person gets stuck in depression, normal life and normal grieving are impaired. These people often have lower self esteem, get sick more often, want to be alone, are easily irritated, find no pleasure in life, don't sleep or eat right, and often have thoughts of suicide.

Sometimes depression impedes an individual's ability to grieve. Failing to grieve can result in persistent feelings of hopelessness. This all-pervading sense of doom is a feature of depression and an indication that professional help is needed. Remember: If you don't work on your grief, your grief will work on you. Often a person who doesn't grieve will become physically ill.

The gentleman who lost his wife shortly after retirement states, "I had to let myself grieve. All of our dreams came crashing down the day she died. And I gave myself permission to grieve, to feel the hurt. I didn't hold anything back, either! I cried. I hurt. I needed to get away, so I stayed in bed a lot. I guess that's just me."

The mother who lost two sons and then her home, points out that people are willing to talk about the tornado or the hurricanes, and "they will be able to tell their story, even fifty years from now." However, she says, "A bereaved mother isn't able to talk about her personal thoughts and feelings about her life after the loss... that's a real conversation stopper." She wonders if it might be more comfortable to talk about things that can be replaced, like homes or trees, than it is to talk about people who can never be replaced.

There are numerous suggestions for adjusting to your new life and moving on. It is essential to acknowledge that your life will be changed forever by the loss, and it will never be the same as it was. You will never "get over it", but you can learn to take it with you as you continue your life path. The loss of a family pet can trigger grief and depression to the same extent as any other loss.

Learn to accept that your loss is real. For many people, the first impulse is to deny the loss. Grieving denial can range from downplaying the loss, as if it's not important, to having the delusion that the person or pet is still alive. It's often easier to have the intellectual understanding of the death (to know in your head that the person or pet is physically gone) but not be able to emotionally accept the loss.

Make it ok to feel the pain. The pain of grieving can be both emotional and physical, and unfortunately there's no way to avoid it. Denying the pain of grieving can often make it worse, and may lead to physical symptoms and can also prolong the grieving process. Some people try to avoid grieving pain by being busy or traveling, others idealize the loved one and refuse to allow any negative thoughts about the loved one to enter their mind. Some grieving people use drugs or alcohol to deaden the pain, which only postpones the process. Feeling the pain is difficult, but it is an important step toward healing.

Be aware that you may experience a range of emotions. Your reactions to death may cover a wide and confusing range, such as shock, numbness, anger, confusion, and "feeling like I'm loosing my mind." It may help to think of grief as a cluster of reactions that often overlap one another. Grief does not proceed in an orderly fashion any more than life itself does.

Work to tame your fears. When the first impact of death wears off, you may feel you are losing control. This is a normal part of the grieving process. The strong feelings suffered during grief gradually lessen, like an echo trailing off into the distance. Because you may experience a feeling of temporary instability, it's important to remember that you have the ability to cope, and this won't last forever.

Adjust to living without the deceased. When a loved one dies, we also lose the part of our lifestyle that included the deceased. It often takes a few months following the death for this realization to sink in. For example, when a spouse dies, the survivor misses him or her physically and emotionally, and also misses a dear friend, a sexual partner, a golfing or fishing buddy, and a fellow grandparent. Part of the grieving will naturally include missing the parts of this life that changed with the death. When a beloved pet dies, we miss the companionship and the love, and we also miss having a special friend to come home to, to walk in the park, to play with, and all the other activities we shared.

In your own time, in your own way, you can say goodbye. The present, with all of its pain and sorrow, is the only reality you have. Memories are very important, but they cannot be used as a shield against the present. As some point in your grieving, you will be ready to try to say goodbye.

Stress can wreak havoc on your health. The effects of grief on your health are just beginning to be measured. While guarding your health can be among the least of your concerns during the throes of grief you must work toward maintaining your health as soon as you can. This means beginning some sort of regular exercise like walking, getting proper nutrition, and keeping your appointments with your doctor and dentist.

Finding a safe place in your heart for your loved one is especially difficult because it feels like you're being disloyal when you start thinking about enjoying a life that doesn't include the deceased. However, memories of your loved one will stay with you for the rest of your life. Learning to cherish a memory without letting it control you is an important step in the grieving process. By finding a special safe "place" in your heart, you can move into your life and begin to find joy in new places, knowing you take your cherished memories with you. The important thing is learning how to cherish a memory without getting stuck there.

Remind yourself that you don't have to stop loving someone just because he or she is no longer with you. When a memory pops up, send a loving throught and know that you are loved in return. You can find comfort in this, and the strength to continue on in your life journey.

If you are with someone who has experienced a loss, invite them to tell their story. Continue to share their memories of their loved one - this affirms that the spirit of their loved one continues to live on in others, and it also invites grievers to share their own reflections. Questions such as, "It's been a year since you lost (name). How are your days going?" Or "What have you found most helpful in getting through the days?" Or "What kind of support have you found to be most (or least) helpful?"

I asked this question of a widow whom I had never met before: "In the time since (name) died, what experiences have you had that suggest you should be "over" your grief?" Her stories poured out even though I was a stranger to her. Somehow she felt safe with me and wasted no time in accepting my invitation to tell her story. One of the greatest gifts you can give someone is to listen to their story and invite them to share their grief.

Seniors, family members, caregivers and advocates can call a 24 hour toll-free Friendship Line to receive emotional support, crisis intervention, and information and referral. The following number is available to anyone calling within the United States and is a nation-wide toll-free number offering telephone support to depressed, isolated, abused, and/or suicidal older adults, 24-hours a day, year around: 1-800-971-0016.

The above information was gleaned from the following web sites, which invite you to visit them for more in-depth information on this subject.
AARP, Grief and Loss, On Being Alone: A Guide for the Newly Widowed
About Grieving and Healing: The Grieving Process
Center for Elderly Suicide Prevention and Grief Counseling
Compassionate Friends
Living With Loss Magazine Archives
Senior News: Moving Through Loss and Grief